


Untitled

by FuckBenedict



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:57:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuckBenedict/pseuds/FuckBenedict
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i am so sorry</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter's really short because I'm just testing the plot a bit and seeing if anyone wants me to continue. If I decide to keep going, next chapter will be long enough to make up for this one, I promise (◡‿◡✿)

I never really felt like I was a good daughter. Well, I guess that’s not actually true. I never felt good enough, at least. Part of that, I know, comes from my upbringing, but really, who could ever feel good enough with a father like mine. Wait, no, ok, that makes him sound horrible. He’s not, at all, I mean – he treats me wonderfully, but he’s so… geez, I don’t know. Let me just start at the beginning, and you’ll see what I mean.

**xxx**

Six years old, I was living in an orphanage with twenty other children and six caretakers. It wasn’t like in the movies – dark and depressing, with an old lady who treats us like animals. It was fine, really. I just wished for something more. As you can imagine, while it may have been pleasant enough at the Alexandra House, I would have been much more satisfied in a home with parents.

June 20th of the year I turned seven, two men applied for a child. I was in the nurse’s office behind reception when they came, so I listened curiously to the conversation between them and the main caretaker, Audrey. They exchanged greetings with an air of formality before Audrey began questioning them regarding the child they desired. Standard inquiries, so I started to tune out the conversation, but my attention was quickly brought back when the first man when he interrupted Audrey, stating, “We’re not actually looking for a particular age or gender. Could we, actually, ask a few questions of each child?”

Audrey looked slightly taken aback – understandably, as normally anyone who came in here for a child knew just what “kind” of child they were looking for, as objectifying as it was. Sometimes the prospective parents talked to two or three children to get a sense of their personality, but never had anyone wanted to talk to every child.

“Er, yes, of course. That would be fine” Audrey stammered, “this way, please”

She led them to the small office down the hall, to where I could no longer hear them converse. Leaning back on the small, uncomfortable nurse-office-cot, I practiced a greeting in my head. Impressing prospective parents was not my strong suit, but I figured I’d give myself a chance. My nurse walked back into the room, smiling gently as she held up the bandaging she’d retrieved.

“Let’s get that knee patched up, shall we?”

I winced in pain as she dabbed my injury with alcohol before wrapping it up, and the couple was pushed from my mind until later that day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops i lied about it being long enough to make up for the last one. suck it up, princess, writer's block's a bitch.

I was lying across my bed reading when Audrey knocked on the door.

“Come in” I called, sitting up. She did just that, then opened the door wider and gestured for me to step into the hallway.

“A couple would like to talk to you” she informed me as we walked down to the office she’d brought them to before. I cradled my book in front of my chest with both hands, hiding the title from Audrey, nervous though I knew there was hardly a chance the couple would choose me. After all, they had nineteen other children to pick from, assuming they decided on one at all.

Audrey ushered me into the room and sat me down on the couch opposite the couple before she stepped outside and closed the door. I glanced at the men, wondering why Audrey was not sitting through the questioning as she normally did.

“We asked her to allow our interviewing to be done in private” the man on the left said to me with a curt nod, though I was very certain I had not asked the question aloud.

“Okay” I replied simply, clutching the book tighter. The man gestured to it, and asked without the patronizing voice most adults reserved for children, “What are you reading?”

“Oh, it’s, um, about the different kinds of mental illnesses and how to, um… see if people have them. There’s a word for that… I… um… “ I blushed furiously, opening the book and flipping through the first few pages before the second man, who had not yet spoken, interrupted me. “Identify them?” he suggested. I opened my mouth to answer, but the other man replied immediately, “No, diagnose them”

“Yes, that!” I mused, looking at the man in slight awe. For the second time since I’d sat down he’d seemed to read my mind.

The was silence for a few moments, but somehow it felt very natural, as opposed to the awkward silences with the other children in which both of us tried to think of something to say. The first man shifted in his seat, glancing about the room before focusing his striking eyes on mine. I suddenly became very self conscious, sitting up a little straighter as I waited patiently for one of the men to speak. The one who hadn’t spoken much suddenly asked, “What possesses a six-year-old to read such a thing?”

“Seven!” I corrected indignantly, then blushed again, expecting him to get upset with my reply. He merely inclined his head. “My mistake, though the question still stands”

Surprised at his collectedness, I took a moment to answer. “Well, I, er, I just find it interesting, that’s all. I think people talk too much about sick as a body thing, not a brain thing. And I want to learn both. If that, um, makes sense” I said in a rushed tone.

Both men smiled simultaneously. “Yes, that makes sense” the first one said, running a hand through his dark hair.

“Audrey told us your name is Bellatryx, is that right?” asked the second with a gentle smile, though his eyes did not match it.

“Yes, but everyone calls me Atryx”

“Do you prefer that?” the first man interjected. That surprised me; nobody had ever asked.

“I think so, yes” I replied after a moment of thinking about it.

“Alright, Atryx. Tell me, do you like it here?”

“Well, um, it’s not bad or anything. But, well, I mean, of course I’d rather have parents” I stammered, then quickly added, “Er, not real parents, because I know they’re gone. But, um, adopted parents, I mean”

Again, the two men smiled together. And again, I blushed, feeling the heat rush up my cheeks. Pressing my lips together, I stared downward to the book in my lap, embarrassed. “Sorry” I muttered.

“Don’t be sorry” the man on the right said simply. The other glanced at him with apparent surprise, then turned back to me. “What have you learned, from your book?” he asked, gaze matching mine to look down at it.

“Well, um, a lot. I’m at the part about, um…” I paused, struggling to remember the words. “person-aly disorders” I finished uncertainly.

“Personality disorders?”

“Yes!”

He nodded thoughtfully. “I believe we have things to talk to Audrey about at the moment… Atryx” he said slowly, as if thinking about the sentence even as he said it. “Could you excuse us?”

I nodded quickly, sliding off the couch and letting Audrey in before slipping out into the hall. I sat down on a nearby bench to read, mind racing. If they want to talk to Audrey, that means they’re interested in me, right? Or perhaps I’m getting too hopeful. I was probably just the last child they talked to and they want to discuss the rest of them with her. Or whichever one they liked best. Which wouldn’t be me, because all I’d done was stutter and blush.

 

Suddenly furious with myself, I buried my nose in my book.

 _“the_ _personality disorder that centres around an antisocial mindset, and a lack of caring or conscience, is called ASPD”_ I read silently, then looked away from the book a moment. “Fascinating” I said to no one in particular before busying myself reading once more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry i am shit

I don’t think I was out there long, but it felt like an eternity I sat on that bench, unable to focus on my book. I read the same sentence over and over until my eyes blurred and I gave up, staring blankly at the wall before me. The clock at the end of the hall gave a sympathetic _tick, tick, tick,_ as I sat impatiently, listening to the indecipherable muttering from within the room. I don’t know how many _tick tick_ s I counted before the door reopened and Audrey stepped out, smiling gently at me.

“Come back in, Bellatryx” she called, and I nearly tripped in my haste to do so. The two men were seated the same as before, but seemed less formal than they had. I watched them curiously as they gestured for me to sit down once more.

“So… Atryx” began the man with curly hair once I’d taken a seat. “We’ve already gone through screening and paperwork, as I’m sure you figured out”

I nodded silently.

“We honestly didn’t expect to find a prospective child who was… fitting”

I nodded again, not fully understanding but moreover not wanting to admit it.

Neither of them spoke for a few moments; I took it as cue to similarly remain silent until Audrey stepped slightly forward, clearing her throat.

“So,” she began, “because you allowed the background checks and completed all necessary preprocess paperwork beforehand, the processing from here on will likely take only a few days”

The taller man commented haughtily, “Yes, that would be why we did it,” muttering an apology as the smaller one dug an elbow into his side.

“I mean, thank you, yes”

I turned away, hiding my laughter at the expression on the man’s face. He glanced at me with a raise of an eyebrow and I bit my tongue, silencing myself sheepishly.

Audrey, who was as inattentive as the man was observant, continued without noticing. “Right. There are, of course, other things that need to be taken care of, so Atryx, if you could follow me… “ she trailed off, gesturing toward the door. Once more I stepped outside with her, and she closed the door behind her, sitting me back on the bench and crouching before me.

“So, Atryx,” she began with a gentle smile.

“Do I get them? I mean, er, do I get to go with them?” I hurriedly interrupted, continuing without taking a breath, “Are they going to be my parents?”

Audrey laughed lightly, her eyes crinkling like they did whenever I told her of new things I learned. I hadn’t thought about how I would miss her if I were adopted. She treated me better than the others who worked at Alexandra; like a person as opposed to a child. Of course, the two are mutually inclusive, but apparently not in the minds of adults - if that makes sense. In any case, she wasn’t nearly as patronizing as the other caretakers. She always listened with an expression of slight bemusement on her face as I enthused about whatever subject I’d been on about recently. I appreciated that she at least faked interest, even if she wasn’t truly concerned with how fast the earth moves, or the way bacteria could split itself in two. I think it was my fascination with such things, rather than the facts themselves, that kept her from simply dismissing me as the others did. That’s what always worried me most about being adopted – adults were, in general, dismissive of the very idea that I could be anything more than an ignorant child, and though of course I was to an extent, I didn’t appreciate their condescending attitude toward me.

I believe, looking back, that’s why my interest was so piqued by those two men that day. They didn’t ask questions as though they were for my benefit, as though I needed some form of amusement that could only be provided by the tediously mundane questions provided by those older than I. Quite the opposite in fact; they asked because they were genuinely interested, not to belittle me – and I think, more than anything, that was what I wanted. It wasn’t just parents I needed, but parents that made me feel more than an idiotic child.

Which made it all the more irksome when Audrey quietly replied, “Well, Atryx, I don’t know yet. They’re interested, of course, but Ms. Patterson hasn’t approved their application yet”

“But you just said they’ve done all the… the… papers!” I cried crossly, knowing that if Ms. Patterson were in charge of their file it was hardly likely they would be accepted.

“I’m sorry, you know how she is,” Audrey soothed. I merely  leaned back against the wall with a huff.

“Yes. I do” I muttered angrily. “What difference does it make if it’s two boys? They’re loads better than the others, at least”

She gave me a sympathetic look meant to calm me, but it only served to infuriate me further. I didn’t want her pity, I wanted something done. Standing decisively, I set my book on the bench and started off down the hall.

Audrey didn’t move, merely asked where I was going.

“To see Ms. Patterson! And if she won’t stop being unfair, I’ll go to Mrs. King. _She’ll_ understand”

“Atryx, wait,” Audrey called after me, standing.

“No!” I replied loudly, walking faster. I felt awful for disobeying Audrey so rudely, but I had to convince that godawful prejudiced woman to approve the mens’ application. 

Audrey caught up to me quickly, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I’m not going to stop you,” she said with a grin, “but you need to know what you’re going to say, don’t you?”

 

**\- x –**

Fifteen minutes later I marched determinedly into Ms. Patterson’s office, stepped up to her desk, and, not knowing quite what to do next, straightened my shirt because that seemed to be an adult thing to do.

She peered down at me through thick-lensed glasses, not removing her hands from the keyboard at which she typed. “Yes?”

“You c-“ I began, before remembering Audrey’s quick advice and starting over. “I think you’re being unfair about the Holmeses”

Pausing, I scrunched my nose with uncertainty at my pronunciation of their surname. I disregarded it, continuing my confrontation.

“It’s not right that you won’t accept them just because they’re two boys instead of a boy and a girl. You’re being homa-homaph-“ I stammered, unable to recall the word Audrey had used. “Mean to gay people!” I finished with frustration.

Ms. Patterson looked at me with a condescension that was so familiar I nearly screamed.

“My dear, you’re jumping to conclusions. I’ve nothing against the sexuality of the Holmes’, I merely do not see them fit for adopting at this time”

“Why!” I cried in frustration, less a question, more an objection. She hesitated a moment, and it was enough for me.

“You’ve been awful every time gay parents try to adopt a kid! You pretend that’s not why but we know it is, we all do, even Audrey! Ask her! You always say okay to the mean couples if it’s a mom and a dad but if it’s two dads or two moms you just send them away even if they’re nice and they do all the forms right and- and- _everything_!” I yelled, my words degenerating into hiccupped sobs as I attempt to stop myself crying. By the time I’ve finished, my face is wet with tears, my breath shallow and quick. Ms. Patterson merely stared, unable to reply.

Without another word I furiously turned and stomped out of the room. Audrey was waiting for me in the hall, and I buried my face in her neck as she crouched down to take me in her arms. “Shh… “ she soothed. “It’s okay, it’s okay”

“It’s _not”_ I cried, my voice muffled against her.

 

She was silent.


End file.
